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My husband and I spent the weekend on the boat, and we’re both pretty badly sunburned today. Never doubt the power of the sun’s rays reflecting off water to really make you crispy. I told my husband that either I’m going to look 80 by the end of summer, or have skin cancer, or both. So, he’s going to add a shelter to the bow of the boat. Still, I love summer!
But we had a great time as always. Many people say the same thing: the closer they get to the ocean, the better they feel. The surging rhythm of the waves reflects the beat of our own bodies. The pace of the current mirrors the beat of the heart: of course we all relax when we’re there. The sun is vital for life, and medicine for the body. There is no tablet of synthetic vitamin D that’s going to compare to the vitamin D our amazing bodies make when sun is absorbed through our skin.
My friend, who I’d hoped wouldn’t divorce, texted me yesterday to tell me that she signed the divorce paper, and it’s done. As soon as I read that, my heart sank. She told me no, don’t feel sad, that she feels free and is good with it.
I know she’s not. I know this girl – she’s hurt and unhappy, and feels panicked right now. I suppose that if she and her ex-husband did decide to stay married, it probably would have just been the two of them remaining entwined through fear or guilt. Following another in spirit is good, but following in fear is not.
But she's going the way of many women who divorce: the rush to find another man; crash dieting (the term ‘revenge body’ always makes my skin crawl) so as to generate jealousy in the ex-spouse (which it never does) and attract any partner as soon as possible; and not letting go of the hurts of the past. I’ve had too many friends do all these things. It doesn’t lead to any lasting peace. It never, ever does.
If you know anything about me from reading this blog you know that I’m forever eyes wide open to what is truth and what is deception. You know that I believe in the magic of the part that whispers to you about where your truth really lies. You may think it lies in a tiny dress size, a new man, a vacation to make your ex-spouse jealous (which it doesn’t), and a divorce or child custody settlement that isn’t equitable, but that serves an emotional desire to punish someone.
If my good friend asks me for guidance, I’ll tell her this: OK, the marriage is over, and that cycle has ended. It’s time now to trust in the divine unravelling spirit that will take her where she needs to go next.
Her dreams, her path, and her purpose are waiting to be realized now. She should do deep work with herself. Grab this opportunity to blossom spiritually. Travel? Yes, if it’s travel that feeds the spirit. Posting photos of herself in Cancun with a man whom she just met on some online dating service is pathetic, not enviable. Posting photos of herself makeup-free, at peace, eating and enjoying wholesome food, and sweeping the floor at an ashram in India she’s staying at for 3 months in deep meditation is awesome.
Right now, she’s crash dieting, straightening her teeth, cruising online dating profiles, going out with lots of men (online dating is just a hook-up, let’s be honest), and bad mouthing her ex-husband. None of it is good. It all comes from pain.
Most of all, I’d ask to her trust in the spirit of divine romance. We’re all linked in love. With a heart free of anger and regret, and full of love and wholesome interest in others, she’ll meet a person with whom she can share her life. When the time is right.
That’s everything I’d tell her. But to be honest, all I really wanted to do yesterday was give my friend a hug. I love her. She’s my buddy, my sister, and my fellow traveler. But she’s hurting, and she’s taking the wrong medicine. The right medicine is found in spirit, in divine purpose, in service to others, and in doing what we’re called to do. That’s where the good times are found.
Live in peace.