The Truth is, We All Lie Like Hell

I'm interested in ‘radical honesty’, a re-emerging movement based on Brad Blanton’s 1994 book of the same name. It’s a controversial way of changing the way we speak. It’s essentially what the term describes: pure, bare-bones honesty all day, every day.

Let’s get real about this: we all lie like hell. We lie big and small: we lie to our spouses, lovers, parents, friends, colleagues, gurus, siblings, and strangers. We lie at job interviews, we lie to our children, we lie to ourselves. We lie on social media. We lie so causally and often, about things that are so immaterial, that we forget we’re lying. We lie about things that needn’t be lied about. We lie in casual conversations, and in critical discussions. We lie to the dying.

Blanton proposes that we summon courage, drop our defenses, and say precisely what we feel, all the time, with everyone, in every moment, consequences be damned.

I’ll take an example most of us can relate to. Imagine an encounter with a friend. Another romantic relationship of his is capsizing, and he’s angry and in pain. What do you do? You probably say the things that you think he wants to hear. He’s a great person and deserves better. His soon-to-be ex is a narcissistic jerk. He was mistreated. Happiness waits just around the corner. He’s wonderful, worthy. Things will get better in time.

What are you really thinking? Maybe this: he’s going through this – again - because he has a penchant for choosing losers. He repeats self-destructive patterns over and over, and never learns from his mistakes. He needs to grow up, get himself together, get smart, make different choices. Things won’t get better until he changes. You value him, but you’re tired of being there every time life detonates in his face.

But why would anyone want to stir up a shit storm like this by speaking the truth? Blanton has some theories.

It helps everyone live authentic and meaningful lives. Telling my friend that he deserves better when he doesn’t and encouraging him to demonize his ex while taking no responsibility for his role in a failed relationship doesn’t lead him to the compassion that arises from honest suffering – the compassion that develops into a will to help others.

Honesty carries the intention of opening people up a little. It hurts, but it heals. It simplifies things. Being our authentic selves every minute of every day and saying what we truly think guides us to people who value who we really are. It leads us to events and situations that will honestly serve ourselves and others.

Dishonesty on any level is exhausting. It requires us to remember the details of our deceits and keep the ruse going. In the short term, it's more work than we need: in the long term, it hurts and enables others. It creates more problems than it solves. It’s not authentic. And it’s just basically wrong.

I’m going to stop going on as if I have a deep grasp of radical honesty. I’m a new student of this and have a lot to learn. But I get it, and I like it - a lot. It makes sense in a world where dishonesty is common: where people struggle needlessly, waste time with silly, selfish behaviors; engage in deceitful relationships; where up to 60 percent of marriages end in divorce; and where we tell others they deserve better when sometimes they don’t.

And if, through the practice of radical honesty, we lose a friend, a connection with a family member, a spouse, or a job, we may finally take a hard look the relationships and situations we forged in degrees of dishonesty all our lives. We can move forward into new connections based in radical truth. We can find new people, new jobs, new vocations. We can raise the bar above and around us, and by being honest, by speaking our truths, make the world a better place.

Barbie xo