‘Half People’
I just
had tea with a friend of mine. She’s really sad. She and her boyfriend have
been dating for 6 long years; she wants him to ask her to marry. He hasn’t made
that move.
Six years is a long, long time to date. It’s pretty safe to say that
if he hasn’t proposed after 6 years, the odds are overwhelming that she’s not
the one he wants to marry. There was nothing I could say to console her. My
friend is trapped in the suffering of craving. There’s something she wants that
she isn’t getting. She’s clinging to an illusion. She’s feeling the pain of
attachment.
For many
years before I married, I gravitated toward the idea of continuing Buddhist
studies and meditation practice with the intent of becoming an ordained monk. The
choice to marry, of course, put that intent aside. Now, as a Buddhist layperson
and a wife, I’m on a path of authentic learning that includes being in a covenant
with my husband. I’d say that marriage is a practice much like meditation
practice; a way of life, much like studying the Dhamma. And my marriage has
deepened my understanding of Buddhism’s Second Noble Truth – that of craving
and desire.
I love
being married; being in a loyal and loving relationship with a beautiful man
like my husband comes with many rewards. But Buddhists know that happiness
doesn’t come from another person. Happiness never comes from coveting,
desiring, or even getting. If we covet in marriage, we suffer. If we desire, and
don’t get that which we desire, we suffer. And once we get what we desired and
coveted, we find that it leaves us empty, wanting more.
Yet,
many, many people grasp at others in the hope of being made whole. I have had
friends – women – who wanted nothing more than to marry. Others wanted nothing
more than to be in ‘committed’ relationships (whatever that means). And I’ve
had a few women friends over the years who had long-term boyfriends – in some
cases, they dated the same man for years – but the man didn’t ask her to marry
him.
So
they dated for a long, long time, as if they were kids in high school. And in
all of these cases, time revealed why their boyfriends never asked the women to
marry them: the men, without (of course) telling their partners, wanted to be
free to move on to a new woman someday, if that opportunity arose. They
wanted to leave the door open to that possibility. And move on they all did. Which
is perfectly within their rights.
Rights
or not, these woman were all devastated when their long-term dating
relationships ended, their boyfriends moved on, and they found themselves
without partners again. They felt betrayed. They were very, very angry.
But
the only betrayal happening was the betrayal of themselves. They had been
fooled by the illusion that they are half people. Half people need partners to
feel whole. They were not strong within themselves. If you look at addiction
research, you’ll find the behaviors associated with drug and alcohol abuse are
found in abundance in people who cling to others. This is a mistake many
people, especially women, make. Making the wrong connection.
When
your happiness is based on anything external to yourself, any object, any
person, the only happiness it can bring you is rooted in addition. The result?
It can never satisfy you. You’re not suffering because your long-term boyfriend
won’t ask you to marry him; you’re suffering because you want him to ask you to
marry him. This is needless suffering.
Likewise,
if you’re single, and are searching constantly for a partner, ask yourself why
you’re searching so earnestly. Are you a half person? Are you craving what
others have? Does your happiness depend on getting something? Does addiction hold
you captive?
The Dhamma
teaches us right thought and wrong thought in our relationships. A great, brief
article on the subject can be found here:
Marriage
has been the greatest blessing of my life. And yet, I know that my husband is
not ‘mine’, this marriage is not ‘mine’, our home is not ‘mine’, our money is
not ‘mine’ – nothing at all is mine. I am here, I am within it, I enjoy the
pleasures of marriage, and I feel great happiness. But even 'I' is an illusion. I also understand the
Buddha’s teachings on impermanence. Some or all of it can be gone in a heartbeat.
One day, it will all be gone - myself included.
No
clinging. The Buddha taught that this is the one and only path to true
happiness.
☮
Dhyana
